How to Set Healthy Boundaries with People You Love
Keep reading this post to learn:
⋒ What mindset shifts are important when it comes to setting boundaries
⋒ 3 tips to keep in mind when communicating healthy boundaries with your loved ones:
⋒ My experience with setting and communicating boundaries with others
I feel like boundary setting, especially with people you love, is a form of art. It’s a delicate thing that takes many strategic flicks of the paintbrush, ya know? You can’t just go barreling in and expect a masterpiece to emerge.
I don’t know if this is true for most people, but I find it more difficult to set healthy boundaries with people I love – like family and friends – more than professional boundaries.
Which makes sense because when it comes to setting boundaries with people we love, there is typically more emotion involved. And I think that’s important to recognize because it really does alter the boundary-creating process.
When I think about setting work-related boundaries with my students, clients, people on Instagram, and people showing up in my email inbox – it’s more cut and dry or black and white. Like I just kindly communicate the boundary and that’s that.
But with your loved ones, you have a history there. You do life with this person on a deeper level. Like I said, it’s a more emotionally-involved process.
Let’s back up a minute and talk about why boundaries are important. I want to make sure we’re all on the same page when it comes to what boundaries are and the purpose that they serve.
To me, boundaries are less about what we’re keeping out and more about what we’re protecting on the inside. That simple mindset shift has really changed for the better how I set and share my boundaries.
Setting boundaries is one of the best forms of self-care. Setting boundaries protects you from feeling taken advantage of or spread too thin and both of those things wind up causing us to feel burned out. So in essence, boundaries protect us from burnout.
Not only are boundaries one of the best ways we can take care of ourselves, having boundaries in our relationships with our loved ones is one of the best ways we can create healthy relationships with others. We cannot take care of other people if we aren’t properly taking care of ourselves. And there’s no way you’re really taking care of yourself if you aren’t advocating for your own needs.
When I have boundaries in place, I notice that I am a more compassionate human because I don’t feel that sense of being stretched too thin. My capacity is higher when I’m taking care of myself with healthy boundaries.
Plus, something I love about setting boundaries is the example that it sets for others.
I’ve set A LOT of new boundaries since becoming a mom – starting in pregnancy – and I only had one person on Instagram (no one in my real life) give me any pushback.
Most people really respect when they see people clearly communicating boundaries. It honestly inspires them to do the same for themselves!
I wish I could give you a 5-step framework to follow to set healthy boundaries but to be honest, I just don’t think that’s realistic.
Like I said, boundary setting is more of an art – a little more free-flowing. But I am going to share a handful of tips to keep in mind as you set healthy boundaries with your loved ones.
Here are 3 tips to keep in mind when communicating healthy boundaries with your loved ones:
01. Communicate the boundary clearly, but with love.
This starts with you being crystal clear yourself on what the boundary is.
In order to clearly communicate a boundary to someone, you need to know what types of situations call for this boundary, what the boundary looks like in action, and how to express the boundary to someone else. You also need to know why this boundary is important to you and how it’s going to support you/alleviate stress from your life.
Firm and clear communication is hard in the moment sometimes but it’s always worth it because you typically don’t have to go back and do any type of recon or re-explaining since you were clear from the start.
When it comes to communicating a boundary with love, I like to format my boundaries like this:
Start with gratitude. Express to this person how important they are to you and why they matter in your life.
Let them know how you’ve been feeling. Avoid using accusatory language but focus the conversation on how you’re feeling.
Tell them what your needs and expectations are moving forward. This is where the clear part comes in. Don’t sugarcoat anything or beat around the bush – that just makes these conversations more awkward than they need to be. Shoot them straight.
Express how the boundary is supporting you. Again, when I’m communicating boundaries to loved ones, I like to keep in mind that it can be a more emotionally-charged conversation. I think something that helps with emotionally intense conversations is vulnerability. So after I clearly tell someone what a certain boundary is, I like to explain my intentions behind it. Share your heart with them and tell them how this boundary is going to support you and why this boundary matters to you. This approach, sharing your heart behind the boundary, usually softens the other person’s receipt of the boundary because it feels less like you’re blaming something on them and more like you’re advocating for yourself.
How we deliver boundaries has the potential to completely change how they are received by others.
02. Practice communicating the boundary with someone you’re comfortable with first.
Like a little role-playing action – which I know sounds a little cringe or corny BUT it really does work! I practice saying my boundaries with my therapist, best friend, or husband if I’m nervous about relaying it to who it’s intended for and it helps.
Sometimes we craft a boundary in our minds but we never really think about how we’re going to share it with the person it’s for so then when it comes time to actually say it out loud, we start fumbling over our words, second-guessing ourselves, and it can just get awkward and messy.
It’s a whole different ballgame saying your boundaries out loud than it is thinking about them in your own mind so 10/10 recommend doing a little test drive/practice run before going into the real boundary-setting conversation.
03. If someone rejects or gives you pushback on the boundary, follow through with pre-determined consequences.
This is tough but it’s the only way that a boundary actually carries any weight or makes a difference in your life.
To do this, I like to imagine how a boundary conversation is going to go and brainstorm how I am going to respond to different situations.
Having pre-determined consequences for someone not respecting your boundaries really just means that you’re being strategic and not letting your emotions run the show – because that’s when things can really escalate.
I try to keep my emotions as neutral as possible when I’m communicating a boundary because the other person is probably going to feed off of my energy since I’m heading up the conversation. If I seem tense, they’re going to be tense. If I’m aggressive, they’re probably going to get riled up, too. When I stay neutral, I don’t mean cold – just like level-headed and calm they’re probably going to meet me with that same energy.
I think it’s also important to note here that different types of situations are going to require different types of consequences so keep that in mind, too.
I know the Hustle Sanely community appreciates a solid concrete example so I thought we’d wrap this up with 3 examples of setting a boundary with a loved one.
Now obviously these are hypothetical and I’m saying these to no one so you’re going to have to adjust these scripts to fit an actual conversation. Use these examples as guides or templates but know that 9 times out of 10 boundary chats aren’t going to be you delivering the information and the other person giving you a thumbs up and then perfectly executing the boundary.
When it comes to communicating boundaries with your loved ones, be willing to have a firm, but loving, conversation with them.
Cool? Okay, let’s walk through a few examples:
EXAMPLE 1:
This one is from my own life. Pre-baby, I used to drive to visit my grandparents every week. They live around 45 minutes away so it was usually a 3-4 hour trip every week. That was super doable for me in that season of my life. But I knew that when I had Everly, making that trip every week wasn’t going to be sustainable with a newborn.
So when I was pregnant, I told my grandparents that once the baby came, I wouldn’t be available to drive over there every single week anymore because I didn’t think I’d have the physical or emotional energy to be in the car with a newborn for 2 hours every week for one trip. I told them that it’s still important for me to see them regularly because they matter to me and I would love to meet them for dinner every other week in the middle of our 2 towns or I’d be happy to host them over at our home every other week so they can spend time with us and the baby.
It felt good to me to be firm in what I wasn’t available for anymore, why that didn’t work for me, and how we could compromise.
EXAMPLE 2:
Situation: Your mother-in-law pops in without giving you notice and stays for awhile.
Boundary:
“I’m so glad that we have a solid relationship, that you feel comfortable in our home, and that you get to surprise the kids by stopping by – it’s so special that you get to bond with them in that way! So and so (inset your partner’s name) and I are really trying to establish a routine with the kids to help our days run smoother so that I feel less frazzled. It would help me out a lot if instead of having random visits we could be more intentional and plan in advance when you want to come spend time with the kids during the week so I can coordinate my to-dos. I’d even love for us to plan for you to come take them out on a play date once a week if that’s something you’re up for!”
EXAMPLE 3:
Situation: A friend frequently cancels plans at the last minute.
Boundary: “I’m super grateful for our friendship and spending quality time with you really means a lot to me – my love language is quality time. It makes me feel like I’m not valued as a friend when you cancel our plans at the last minute. I totally get that we’re busy and sometimes life happens but I would feel like you’re really prioritizing our friendship if you stayed committed to the plans that we make most of the time. If you do need to cancel, it would help me out if you gave me some notice so I can plan on doing something else.”
If you start to slip into feelings of guilt and shame around sticking to your boundaries, remember to go back to what that boundary is protecting and focus on that.
Alright, y’all that is what I’ve got for you today – how to set healthy boundaries with the people you love.
I really do hope this was helpful and that you feel better equipped to establish boundaries in your life to protect yourself from burnout so you can show up for your life as the healthiest version of you!
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